Ella M. Hayes: Ego & Escapism
The moment I decided to pursue this writing career, I felt like the dumbest person ever. I’ve always had a great love for storytelling. Like Silvia in “Bookends,” if you were looking for me, chances are you could find me in Barnes & Noble or Northshire Bookstore.
You still can most weekends.
Fantasy and romance books have always been my draw, providing the escapism I desperately needed. Unfortunately, like any vice, it slowly begins to waver in fulfillment. I’d read these books, and love them, but not feel satisfied with them. Eventually, I realized in a way that it was jealousy and ego preventing me from enjoying these stories the way I used to.
Every week a new book comes out, seemingly out of nowhere and explodes in popularity. With the number of books coming out that launched people overnight to literary stardom, I thought I could tap into that, stop being passive in my own life and reinvigorate this escapist fulfillment without the reliance on someone else's words.
That’s when I felt dumb. I asked myself, why didn’t I think of this sooner? Self-publishing is so accessible, and as long as I have a good story and hit the right keywords, I’ll be a breakout hit. In a way, “Bookends” began as a challenge to myself.
I’ve been writing forever, always shorts and novellas, but “Bookends” would be my first attempt at something I was truly confident in, to share with the world. But then I got a few chapters in. Spoilers, but the moment when Silvia first meets Daniel was when I didn’t actually care what happened with the book.
Financially, I mean.
That scene, writing it, creating these people myself, and bringing to life this magical moment, filled me with the sense of escape I’d felt had been lost. I became enamored with this story, not as something that would be something to make my mark on the world, but because I genuinely loved these people. And yes, to me they are real people.
It was heartbreaking getting to the final chapters, Silvia’s story was almost over. It may not seem like it when you read “Bookends” because the third act really picks up the pace, but I wanted to draw it out as much as possible.
Eventually, though, it was done. And I had put in all this work, I might as well follow through on it. This is when my ego took a hit.
The book was uploaded first to Inkitt where it did really well and got some wonderful reviews. After that, I put it up on Amazon KDP, expecting the cash to flow in.
That didn’t happen.
I think maybe ten people bought it. And only one review went up on Goodreads. I would like to formally apologize to all authors for thinking this would be an easy market to get into. In fact, I was so disheartened that I considered pulling the book entirely.
Looking back, that was a little ridiculous. Maybe overdramatic. Slightly.
What kept me from moving on was the reminder of how the process made me feel, and the love of literature it rejuvenated in me. Sure, no one was reading it, but the product of my hard work still sparked again what was most important to me.
With less than ten sales and a few pages read on Kindle Unlimited, I decided it was time for the next book (witch is still in the works).
I’ve always struggled with self-confidence. I’d hoped being a bestseller would fix that. It did not. Taking a creative leap did.
And then the most incredible thing happened, kind of like a bonus. A sweet literary treat.
“Bookends” was picked up by a publisher. And people were reading it. And it was getting reviews! AMAZING REVIEWS!
I’m eternally grateful to be able to share this story with you, a story about escapism and learning not to rely on it, but to take control for yourself. I think I grew up more during this period of my life than any other.
At this time, I don’t know if I am yet ready to literally put myself out there, but I’m working on it. Maybe by the time “Witch’s Brew” gets a paperback release, I’ll attend signing events.
